Once a month I’m a guest on Denise Brown’s radio show on caregiving.com. She comes up with interesting topics and this month it was Sadness in Caregiving.
Before the show airs, I like to do some prep work but I was having difficulty with this one. Why? Because by default, I run away from the feeling of sadness. I grew up in a family where we were reprimanded for crying. I didn’t want people to think that I was weak and couldn’t handle what life was giving me. I was also afraid that if I focused too much on the pain and grief of caregiving, I would get ‘stuck’ in that stage. I didn’t want to be depressed, and I definitely didn’t have time for it.
But 2 years ago when I hit the lowest point in my life, I couldn’t run away from the sadness any longer. I knew that I had to do something different because I couldn’t shake the feelings of being trapped and sad. I started with baby steps like exercising every day, writing in my gratitude journal and most importantly, giving myself permission to sit still long enough to really feel the pain. My tears washed away some of the layers of my childhood beliefs, and gradually the dark cloud overhead dissipated. The light was beginning to shine through.
Looking back on that time, I realize it was normal and critical for me to go through this stage. If I wanted to reach the 5th stage of acceptance of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ 5 stages of death & dying, then I needed to get in touch with the pain that I was running away from. I recognize that any change–small or large– is a loss or a death. For me it is the loss of a life I expected to be living in my 50s, and the slow loss of a husband I had known for over 30 years. Honestly? I don’t always like it but I accept it. And… I’m happier , healthier, and more peaceful because I had the courage to face what I didn’t want to face–sadness and depression.
Note: I just realized that it is Valentine’s Day (you can tell that isn’t in my forebrain) and what a day to write about sadness. Oh well, I’m going to publish it anyway because it is part of life. Happy Valentine’s Day !
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